Why Believe?

Steering Committee with Mr. Xu

轉變--徐水源

我即將步入老年來到美國,以往在中國大陸一直接受無神論的教育,長期以來,總認為人的成敗、命運的好歹、事情的成功與否,全靠自己的掌控,世界上既沒有神仙,也沒有救世主.因此平生無論是工作中遇到麻煩、還是生活上碰到困難、甚至身體健康出現不良的狀況,均一概視為命中的注定。如若想加以改善,只能全靠自己不斷的努力.憑勤勞和智慧就能改變自己的一切.將主觀能力凌駕於客觀條件之上,缺乏理性的分析和思考,最終導致的結果是事與願違、一敗塗地。

下海做自己發展的道路,殘酷的現實,始料不及。無論經商,還是辦砂,不幸的事,時刻伴隨在自己的左右,產品銷售貨款難以回籠。有些貨款,還成為死帳、呆帳,多次催款也拿不到錢,並且還要貼上差旅費。開砂地下資源變化難於掌握,經常出現時有時無的現象,產量難以達到預期的目的。可是抽水用電、員工工資、木材消耗⋯等等各樣開支,尚會有增無減,導致惡性循環,資金鏈斷裂,受其影響,生產經營自然無法走向正軌。數年下來,無論自己多麼努力,而且夜以繼日,抓經營、促產量、保安全,可惜敗局的鑄成,已經無法改變,經濟形勢仍然在繼續惡化。由於不甘心,只有在此借錢擴大投入,日復一日、年復一年,越陷越深,使虧損到了債台高築的地步。同時銀行貨款緊催不放,逼得喘不過氣來,只能宣告自己失敗,從而轉向清還債務事項。

放棄和清債,不但給自己帶來了極大的傷害和痛苦,而且牽連了家人的安定。為了即時為我還債,太太由國內市級醫院主治醫師,淪落到美國來,做家庭保母;女兒學校尚未畢業,提前外出打工賺錢,養活自己,多餘的錢還要幫我還債;幼小的兒子委托他人照顧,自己一則尋找新的出路,設法掙錢還款,另外還要應付債務人上門討款事項。經濟和精神的雙重壓力,幾乎使人無法承受,最後終於使我病倒了,並且診斷為癌症,需要立即手術。當時我處於身無分文的經濟狀態,單位向市社保局關係還沒有聯繫好,醫院規定無錢不治病,好在治病醫院原屬於我太太所在單位,從領導和醫師護士大部分人都認識我,加上妻弟又是該院在職醫師,所以才網開一面給予特殊照顧.非但沒有要求先繳錢後醫治,而且在多科目上按半價收費,在這種情況下,我的病才得到了即時的治療,否則早已命喪黃泉,黃鶴西去不復返。

時至今日,心有餘悸。反省自己,如此磨難,不知為何?平時為人,與人為善;損人利己、惡劣之舉,尚未有過。本來事隔幾年,時過境遷,我的老煤砂,還是大有前途。雖然承諾重金,重新申辦,要求上級主管部門給於我一個翻盤的機會,可惜由於自己是一介平民,言微力薄,因此無法得到批准。鑒於這種無奈,只好來美投靠妻子兒女。一到美國,首先尋找華人教會。也許是自己心誠,非常順利的來到了仁愛堂。通過接觸,就深深的喜歡上這個教會,儘管自己不會開車,還有諸多緣故,不能每週都來聆聽福音,可是只要有可能,那怕是麻煩兄弟姐妹,也要來仁愛堂接受神的教誨。幾年來通過聖經的學習,從一個無神論者,逐步認識神的存在,知道耶穌為了幫我贖罪,讓自己的身體被釘在十字架上,用他自己的身體,來救贖我的靈魂,使我今天能轉變成一個虔誠的基督徒。

转变--徐水源

我即将步入老年来到美国,以往在中国大陆一直接受无神论的教育,长期以来,总认为人的成败、命运的好歹、事情的成功与否,全靠自己的掌控,世界上既没有神仙,也没有救世主.因此平生无论是工作中遇到麻烦、还是生活上碰到困难、甚至身体健康出现不良的状况,均一概视为命中的注定。如若想加以改善,只能全靠自己不断的努力.凭勤劳和智慧就能改变自己的一切.将主观能力凌驾于客观条件之上,缺乏理性的分析和思考,最终导致的结果是事与愿违、一败涂地。

下海做自己发展的道路,残酷的现实,始料不及。无论经商,还是办砂,不幸的事,时刻伴随在自己的左右,产品销售货款难以回笼。有些货款,还成为死帐、呆帐,多次催款也拿不到钱,并且还要贴上差旅费。开砂地下资源变化难于掌握,经常出现时有时无的现象,产量难以达到预期的目的。可是抽水用电、员工工资、木材消耗⋯等等各样开支,尚会有增无减,导致恶性循环,资金链断裂,受其影响,生产经营自然无法走向正轨。数年下来,无论自己多么努力,而且夜以继日,抓经营、促产量、保安全,可惜败局的铸成,已经无法改变,经济形势仍然在继续恶化。由于不甘心,只有在此借钱扩大投入,日复一日、年复一年,越陷越深,使亏损到了债台高筑的地步。同时银行货款紧催不放,逼得喘不过气来,只能宣告自己失败,从而转向清还债务事项。

放弃和清债,不但给自己带来了极大的伤害和痛苦,而且牵连了家人的安定。为了即时为我还债,太太由国内市级医院主治医师,沦落到美国来,做家庭保母;女儿学校尚未毕业,提前外出打工赚钱,养活自己,多余的钱还要帮我还债;幼小的儿子委托他人照顾,自己一则寻找新的出路,设法挣钱还款,另外还要应付债务人上门讨款事项。经济和精神的双重压力,几乎使人无法承受,最后终于使我病倒了,并且诊断为癌症,需要立即手术。当时我处于身无分文的经济状态,单位向市社保局关系还没有联系好,医院规定无钱不治病,好在治病医院原属于我太太所在单位,从领导和医师护士大部分人都认识我,加上妻弟又是该院在职医师,所以才网开一面给予特殊照顾.非但没有要求先缴钱后医治,而且在多科目上按半价收费,在这种情况下,我的病才得到了即时的治疗,否则早已命丧黄泉,黄鹤西去不复返。

时至今日,心有余悸。反省自己,如此磨难,不知为何?平时为人,与人为善;损人利己、恶劣之举,尚未有过。本来事隔几年,时过境迁,我的老煤砂,还是大有前途。虽然承诺重金,重新申办,要求上级主管部门给于我一个翻盘的机会,可惜由于自己是一介平民,言微力薄,因此无法得到批准。鉴于这种无奈,只好来美投靠妻子儿女。一到美国,首先寻找华人教会。也许是自己心诚,非常顺利的来到了仁爱堂。通过接触,就深深的喜欢上这个教会,尽管自己不会开车,还有诸多缘故,不能每周都来聆听福音,可是只要有可能,那怕是麻烦兄弟姐妹,也要来仁爱堂接受神的教诲。几年来通过圣经的学习,从一个无神论者,逐步认识神的存在,知道耶稣为了帮我赎罪,让自己的身体被钉在十字架上,用他自己的身体,来救赎我的灵魂,使我今天能转变成一个虔诚的基督徒。

My Transformation

When I came to America, I was an atheist and believed that any success or failure in my life was within my control. I needed to be self-reliant since there was no god or savior in this world. Whenever I faced trouble at work, poor health or other difficulties in my life, I considered it as my fate. If I want to change the outcome, I would need to depend solely on my own efforts. I strongly believed I could change anything through my diligent work and wisdom. My subjective ability is superior to any objective condition. When I lacked rational thinking and analysis, my efforts were doomed to fail.

When I started my own business, I experienced unexpected hardships. My financial troubles included overstocked merchandise and difficulties collecting on bad debts. In my coal mining operations, production of sand was unpredictable, but the high cost of electricity, employee salaries and other fixed expenses meant the business was losing money. To save my business, I tried to borrow money, but that wasn’t enough. Eventually, I realized that I had failed and needed to declare bankruptcy.

The failure of the business and the consequences of the debt caused great pain and hurt to our family. To help repay the debts, my wife gave up her job as a doctor in China and came to America to be the nanny for others. My daughter was in school and started working to cover her own living expenses—and to help pay for my debts. I left my son with others so I could find other jobs to pay the debts. I was constantly hounded by debt collectors. The mounting financial and emotional pressures were too much for me and I became physically sick. I was diagnosed with cancer and doctors wanted me to have surgery immediately. At that time, I had no money and didn’t line up any medical insurance. My wife used her former hospital’s connections. My brother’s wife, a doctor in the same hospital, also helped me. With their special treatment, they negotiated with the hospital so that I could have the surgery without paying first. Afterwards, I only needed to pay half the total bill. After the surgery, I was eventually healed.

Whenever I think back on this experience, I start to shake. As I reflect on my journey, I wonder why I needed to suffer so much. Today, I have made peace with all the people. I have not intentionally tried to hurt others nor do bad things. Many years had passed since my mining business closed. I believed in the mining business and wished I could start over again. But I also realize that I am just a commoner and have no power. Since I cannot get government approval to start it again, I decided to come to America to live with my wife and daughter. When I first came to America, I started looking for Chinese church. I believe my sincere search led me to Friendship Agape Church. Once I came, I fell in love with the church. Though I cannot drive and frequently had schedule conflicts that prevented me from coming every week, I always made a sincere effort to come whenever I can. I went through many years of Bible study. I gradually changed from being atheist to acknowledging God’s existence. I know Jesus redeemed my sins. He was nailed on the cross. He sacrificed His body to redeem my soul so I can become a Christian today.